love

The Philosophy Club meetup group I've been attending since last year has focused their discussions on topics from the book "The Existentialist's Survival Guide" by Gordon Marino in the past few months. Due to the on-going pandemic, the meetup was canceled this week but we were encouraged to continue sharing our thoughts in alternative ways possible. So I wrote and shared with the group my take on the chapter titled "Love":

As usual, Mr. Marino meanders through thoughts of various existentialist writers, along with his personal episodic moments-of-truth stories to touch on many aspects of the subject: What is love (in layman's terms and in categories: erotic, brotherly, selfless), are we capable of love (or we can only love ourselves), guilt feelings (that seem unresolvable in a world where forgiveness is no longer possible), are we as different as we appear (or really the same deep down), does true love exist (maybe once in a few centuries?), the emotional side of love (the tenderness of “open wound”), etc.

The main idea he then spent the latter third of the chapter, using Dostoyevsky's “Underground Man” story to explain, is that one has to deem oneself lovable before they can accept others' love and be capable of loving others as well.

Two issues on making thyself lovable: how to get rid of those self loathing feelings (guilt, shame, unworthiness, inadequacy, etc.), and how to avoid becoming a narcissist on the way to achieving self-love?

The answer to the first can be theological: a third party (God, religion) that can absolve the guilt/shame/unworthiness complex one has; or rational: by realizing all humans are equal, comparison is unnecessary, none is superior nor inferior to any other, therefore self loathing is unnecessary .

As to how not to become a narcissist while trying to love thyself, the book doesn't give a direct answer, but seems to indicate a non-human reference, an out-of-this-world role model is needed, so one can turn their egotistic eyes away from other human beings who they treat as mirrors of their own reflections anyway, and stop the endless struggle to establish themselves as a subject among others trying to do the same who are as flawed as they are in the first place.

And how can/does one love another person? Again a theological answer coming from Kierkegaard, is through the “command” of God, that asks His believers to "presuppose there is love in others" and do “love works” to uncover it; while a secular, existentialistic, but also Kierkegaardian answer, in my opinion, is treat it as a mystical goal that's unachievable but needs to be pursued anyway, all the way, by faith.