pride gets in the way

Back in my "salad days" when I was going in and out of campus crusade groups in college "looking for God," one day a girl Christian a couple years senior asked me: "Tell me, what's the real reason that's stopping you from believing?" I was a bit surprised by such direct question, but I gave her my honest answer: "I am looking for the Truth, and I will accept it when I find it." (Now that I am recalling it, it brings to mind the part of the New Testament where the Roman Governor Pilate murmured "what is Truth" when he questioned Jesus if he is a Jewish king and Jesus answered "I came into the world to testify to the truth"... )

Anyway, back to that episode, two key words there are "surprised" and "honest": I was surprised by such question because I honestly didn't think there could be any other way than to accept it if you find the Truth--Kudos to the idealistic and pure heart of my youth!

Now if you ask me the same question: "What is really hindering you from completely accepting God as your savior, supreme commander, Lord of all facets of your life?" I would say "Most likely, pride."

Pride can be in many forms. Thinking I know better is certainly one form of pride. Knowing I am no better yet still wanting to hold on to my own way, is another form of pride--foolish pride, in that case. 

Truth can be of many forms too. But one truth I think we can all recognize by now is that all things in life are not under our control; there must be something or someone greater out there in charge. Recognizing that, if I still refuse to believe in that superior being, what else could it be but my stubborn sense of self that wants to hold on to be the "master of my own destiny," sad and lonely as it might be? Or as Ernest Hemingway once said in his defiant statement: "A man can be destroyed, but he cannot be defeated." Pride is so tragic.

I have read a couple of interviews/debates Rick Warren had with journalists and atheists. At some points, I would see Warren went out of the thought track of the arguments and asked questions such as "if I said so and so, would you not like me any more?" half jokingly, or "so you just don't want a boss over your life so you don't have to change the way you live, right?" Critics gave negative points to such statements and decided they are indications that Warren is losing the debate intellectually. But I sympathize with Warren because I know he's really trying to hit the heart of the debater's problem there ("the heart of the problem is the heart"), rather than trying to win the arguments intellectually (no one gets won over through intellectual arguments, anyways). "People don't believe because they don't want to believe", we all heard this before, but now it rings so true to me.

Pride is actually a bondage too. Since I made my surrender to God, gradually I see it's really a great relief I get in return, as I don't have to carry the yoke of life all by myself, as I can look things with greater ease and perspective, knowing that I am no longer the center of the universe any more. How funny!